January ended with complications — technical ones for me… which made my start to February with a little time to myself to just sit.
(As always) ZAPP! my laptop died. I seem to have some type of super power to affect all electrical things whenever my deepest emotions are running at the surface of my waking self. During this state, whenever I go near something electrical or use technology everything seems to flash, flicker, and zap out, and all I am able to do is sigh. This is my 3rd laptop in 6 years. That seems like a bit much for how little I utilize my laptops. Yet, this is common life for me, wires get tangled as soon as I set them down or touch them. Lights flicker if my anger rises, televisions flash in and out or go into slow motion (buffering) whenever I am just relaxing on the couch. Then there is my my cell phone which decides randomly when that I am too deep into some type of emotional state and it decides I am not allowed to dial or utilize it for up to an hour; but once calm it seems to work again just fine, as if I am the mentally crazed one to think it was acting up in the first place.
I always thought these flickers, flashes, slow motions, and tangles were all just a fluke. As I grew older I began to pretend I had some type of super power. I would would say “Watch this!” to my friends waiting for something magical to happen. At moments something magical would take place and jaws would drop, but the moment would end and laughter would take over, never questions of why but rather laughter of nervousness. But now as I am growing older at times this super power becomes so frustrating that I would just sit and cry. Why can’t I be normal?! Why am I so different from most everyone else. I figured out there are no rational answers to these types of questions.
Then I read about thin boundaries. I like to think of it as those who exist outside their own skin. This boundaries is about those who exist between sleeping and waking realities, I have read these two realities cross and coexist every moment of the day.
When my laptop zapped out I just laughed. Thank goodness I thought. I knew at that moment why it happened, and honestly besides the cost of having to purchase a new one, I needed to become disconnected to the the internet, what we seem to unconsciously deem as our great oracle. The moments before my laptop zapped out I was internally and externally overwhelmed. I was screaming and crying inside about the state of the world.,.. About how there is too much information being thrown at me, too much social networking I seem to be having trouble keeping up with (in order to be recognized by my peers), too many spiritual healing techniques that all seem to work, too much of me trying to absorb everyone’s thoughts and techniques in how to live one’s truth, too much transformation…. and too much of me forgetting about who I am, how I function and exist in this world. I was so wrapped up in all the “how to” live truthfully that I was forgetting to live my own truth. Besides the fact I gave myself a deadline to finish my manuscript. I was pushing myself to complete something to accomplish something to become someone.. like all the other dream researchers out there.
What I realize now is that somewhere as I was writing my story, I stopped writing it for myself.
The universe put a halt to my daily life. The universe felt my pain and sorrow and zapped my computer and made it very difficult for me to use technology for two weeks. I was not completely in the dark. I used my daughters rebuilt old Linux computer but it too was slow and many things did not wok for me on it. Eventually it too began freezing up, flashing and flickering, warning me that if I continued to use the computer it too will die on me.
And then in the parking lot of a Fred Meyers I was speaking to my dear friend Nissa. Casually discussing life’s burdens from one day to the next. She was sharing a recent life experience with me and something she said touched a nerve. It touched a nerve so deep I just starting crying. The funny thing is what she said had nothing to do with me. It was what someone else was doing that I did not agree with and it all had to do with spirituality. As Nissa had to listen to me cry (she is so good at listening and empowering), I had flashes of a time when technology did not matter, when mentors and teachers welcomed their students for individual teachings, when the earth, nature, the universe, god was honored in ritual and in one’s own truth. A time when a teacher, a mater, a prophet, a mentor was not trying to make money to survived but passed on their teachings to individuals that proved their dedication.
Suddenly a new vision flashed before my eyes and I remembered simplicity and imagination, living life to the fullest without having “the” answer. I continued to cry in anger because I honestly feel this has been forgotten. In a sense healing is marketed rather than actually given. Everyone has to have a voice (even me) to be seen. Nissa listened, and as the natural caretaker that she is, she nurtured me back to the present. I thank her for that, for suddenly I have awakened into something new. Something is shifting within me, and as I had been swimming with all the fish in the fish bowl, I am jumping for my life.
Then the inevitable happened. I became sick the next night. I often don’t feel good, mostly for emotional reasons,but besides strep throat once a year, I never get sick. I came down with a stomach bug. NO cold, no fever.. just a stomach bug stripping away something within my body that needed to be purged. It’s been three days now and as I am getting better something has changed for me. I am calm, I am present, I am carefree in my thoughts, I exist as me not someone else I think others desires for me to be. I don’t know what this means or what will change for the better in my life. But I do know this is a moment, an awakening that will make a big difference in my life .. for better or for worst… no scratch that only for the better. This shedding, this stripping is not over, I am still in process of metamorphosing into my next phase of “being”.But I am aware this is happening, I am experiencing it as it is happening and I am sitting with it with no cares from others who peer into my window.
During this process I hear a mantra for myself echoing through my soul.. “I am my own truth. I am not your truth.”
. ….. this is to be continued.